Revelations

Wow,
what else can i say,
this is,
so much of what i've always wanted,
she's sweet
reassuring,
loving,
beautiful,
cares just as much as i do,
things are always a surprise with me,
i want to see her again,
feel her arms around me,
her lips on my skin,
i cried when we said our goodbyes,
before even,
we both hide,
when we feel the same things,
we are so odd,
we will both dance around a subject until the other cracks,
asks about it only to find out we were thinking the same thing,
for the first time i found someone who is willing to do as much as i am,
i was thinking about moving down there,
to be with her,
after the season,
and when i approached the subject,
she said why would you and you roomate move down here when it would be so much easier for me to move up there,
i froze,
was utterly shocked,
never has someone wanted to do this for me.
for us heh,
she told me to think about it,
and i did,
this is what i want,
and i ask her,
she says this is what she wants,
she says it is,
how did i find this person,
how did i get this lucky,
we are shooting for mid december,
i hope she is able to,
there are complications as there always are,
but we've worked through everything so far.
i'm scared,
terrified,
but it's good,
it's healthy to be scared for me,
it shows that i really do care,
i really am afraid to get hurt,
but when i brought up being afraid that she would change her mind,
especially if more time than that passes,
and she said something that surprised me as always,
"have faith in me"
i have more faith in her than she knows.

I've done good

This feels absolutley insane,
I told Jenni to leave me alone,
added threats to make sure she wouldn't come back,
and she listened so far,
I haven't heard from her and I love it,
I'm trying to do the same with Alicia,
I took 10 steps back with her,
but i'm slowly gaining back the ground I lost,
I never text her first,
and it works extremely well because she rarely texts,
and when she does its about 3 and she's done,
I found someone'
someone who treats me better than anyone else ever has,
forgives me when I fuck up,
compromises when we reach disagreements...
it's scary,
but it' good,
i think for once i found someone who will be good for me...

i'm the worst

i'm scum

Girl

Something happened for the first time ever today,
I was in one of my moods,
from everything that happened,
and I told my girl that maybe I should stop talking,
she asked why not quite knowing me that well yet,
I told her about my moods,
and that I was afraid that I was going to be mean to her,
she simply said,
"well then I wont take it like that :) I want to keep talking to you"
it lightened my entire mood,
and after that I wasn't even short with her,
I think I finally found someone who's really good for me...

The love i lost

I hate it,
she may have seen it as a childish obsession,
but for me it really was love,
that feeling she's having right now,
willing to wait for someone forever,
yeah that was me,
now she knows how i felt,
still feel,
the letters still hurt,
so do the poems,
and the songs,
i still can't listen to a lot of songs,
the little glass ball,
it slipped out of my hands today,
and got a dangerous crack,
something leaked out,
but i've contained it again,
i think,
i hope.

Wow ._.

Wow that was a big fuck you from karma,
finally decided to eat something,
the only thing that sounded good,
bowl of cereal,
made a big one,
guess what,
took a bite and it tasted weird,
thought it might be the spoon,
or stale cereal,
nope,
spoiled milk,
my stomach is gurgling now.
(all this happened right as a song about binging and purging came on)

Not Safe...

I'm sore,
very sore,
from a softball game,
I don't even feel like I did much,
but my whole body is sore...
I feel like i'm out of shape,
this is dangerous...
food is trying to come back up again...
i feel like i look fat again...
i'm wearing medium leggings...
i don't want to tell anyone,
It will make the problem too real...
I think i'm going to go do abs then take a shower and stretch...
I don't want to backslide.

Growing Up

I know you spend a lot of time growing up,
and that we never listen to our parents when they say,
"you'll realize we are right when you get older"
now I find myself in their place,
not as a parent,
but telling someone,
I know you don't think like this now,
but it will change,
you'll realize things later,
i'm not sure what I was trying to say with this blog,
I slept all day,
and now i'm giving advice to a 23 year old about coming out,
this growing up bullshit is confusing,
even with moving out,
i realized i had so much more to learn,
and got taught some hard lessons right off the bat,
and now i'm watching people in my life learn those lessons,
or hoping they'll figure their shit out,
i'm not enjoying this waiting game,
and after what happened with sailor and polar,
i'm afraid of what's going to happen.

Thank you

To all of you that have proven you do care,
that you are true friends,
through time,
not effort but proving yourself,
in time the fakes show themselves,
i've learned that lesson the hard way,
two people i thought were the world to me,
and monsters,
two faced,
a thief,
and in general total cunts.
yet here is Mo,
and Jt,
still standing by my side,
still asking if it's ok to call her a bitch,
because it upset me before.
Plus all the other people that I overlook,
but are still there,
i have friends,
just because they aren't super close,
doesn't mean they arent there.
I know that now

Fuck.

Part of me hates you for this,
i hate how you make me feel,
like things are ok one day,
then like i'm committing a crime by even attempting to have a conversation,
or trying to talk to you,
you make me feel like i don't even deserve common respect,
like i'm some scum that is worth nothing,
that i'm just a fucking annoying pimple of the face of humanity to you,
like i am this horrible person that should be hated,
i'm not worthless,
i'm not this person you act like I am,
and i fucking hate that you can make me feel like this.

hm

I've called obie out on shit,
but i fuck with peoples emotions too,
i don't like being single for that reason,
my emotions wander so much,
i change my mind so often before deciding,
so i like telling people i'm not single,
then they wont get as interested...
idk,
all i want is a sweet girl,
one that i can cuddle with and cling to,
that i don't have to worry about them wanting to fuck all the time,
but will actually be attracted to me,
and affectionate,
and that i can spoil,
but wont expect me to spend all my money on them.
Good relationships are damn hard to find in the normal world,
even fucking harder when you're a lesbo.

i... i'm living a lie...

Everything is an act,
all this cool act,
being a womanizer,
getting numbers left and right,
hyping myself up on caffine,
make up every day,
mohawk painstakingly gelled up every day,
acting all giddy and spaztic,
swearing up a storm,
getting high (even if it was only once),
getting drunk,
I haven't been sleeping,
haven't been eating,
i probably weigh about 110 pounds now,
maybe 115,
I don't want to fuck these girls,
i want friendship,
i'm not this tough girl i'm pretending to be...
the make up is to cover the circles,
i've been working multiple shifts in a day,
not because i want the money,
but to keep myself busy,
abuse myself more...
I have made progress...
I did realize a lot...
know i was wrong about a lot of things,
however,
i'm not even sure why I changed into this person...
all I know is i'm not entirely sure which parts are really me anymore

Screaming

I don't want your money,
and I no longer want your companionship,
I don't want his either,
he may seem sweet,
but he's young,
and naive,
and you,
new person my ass,
you're the same exact person towards me,
all I want is my shit,
and my mail,
nothing more,
so go away,
get gone,
goodbye.

Revelations

Wow, that desire to text Envy is gone,
I used to crave for her to forgive me,
to spend time with her,
to talk to her,
and it's gone,
I mean it would be nice to be friends,
but it's not like i'll die without her,
I mean yeah I said something really shitty,
and it made me want to die,
I felt so fuckin bad,
i've apologized dozens of times,
but after fighting with Obie,
that huge urge is gone,
I'm fine with her deciding to not forgive me,
it sucks,
but i'm not tearing myself apart about it anymore,
it's fuckin amazing!

Music memories

I've always found it so odd,
how you listen to music,
something you listened to a lot at one point in your life,
and you remember everything about that time,
how you felt,
the people,
how you acted.
It's quite miraculous :)

So long and fare well

Hah, I attempted a calm text,
perfectly logical,
and she was a bitch,
Whatever,
I'm not playing these games anymore :)
Her and Envy are acting exactly alike.
Another part of growing up,
I won't take your shit anymore!
:D
I may just burn everything of hers on the beach later

Reading

Reading those blogs was the worse idea ever.
It made me remember exactly why I love her.
Um... loved her...
No, I do still love her in a way,
I love those memories that is,
love how it felt to be loved.
Yeah it hurts to fight with her now,
she is very different,
but she is still that person in some sense,
and if she's happy I can be happy for her,
I really don't want to lose her as a friend,
I guess I finally realize that I need to stop,
stop being her "ex" and start just being her friend,
nothing more,
simple pure friendship,
I know it can happen,
if she lets it that is...
No more drunken texting about the past,
or missing what was.
I need to live in what is.
Know that she is no longer mine,
and smile about having a friend,
that is if she'll hear me out heh,
I was a bitch.
I'm sorry.
I thought so many times about the ammunition sitting in the corner,
I took it from Envy's house because I didn't want it where I couldn't protect it,
I guess I can't help myself,
I still care,
even when i'm super pissed off,
and being a cunt,
they're still safe,
no eyes other than my own have seen them,
you have nothing to worry about,
and if you'll let me,
you have a friend here waiting for you.
I guess I am beginning to grow up a little,
I can finally say no,
and admit when i'm being stupid.
It may take a little time but hey,
I'm just now realizing how i've been acting,
i'll keep working on it though,
thank you for slapping some sense into me,
metaphorically that is
:)

Shaking

This is stupid.
I should hate her,
I shouldn't care so much about him,
I shouldn't shake every time something goes wrong with her,
I shouldn't be this effected by her.
I don't understand why I am holding onto something so tightly that is so horrible for me,
I hate how this feels.
I know I'm not alone,
I know she isn't really the only one I have.
But I've become so co-dependant...
and I hate it.
I know Jt is around,
but that isn't the same,
to put it bluntly,
he's a guy,
I feel like there aren't any girls left,
ones that i can really talk to,
or be close to...
and the lesbian side of me can't take that,
so i'm clinging so tightly...
I hate how dependant I am on closeness to a female...

Stupidity

I feel like an idiot.
It took me this long to realize.
She's just like everyone else,
More obsession and clingy than love.
Fuck you.
Is there even real love in this world.
Do we even know what real love is?
Are people even capable of it.
So it was all fake.
That's basically what you told me means.
And part of me hates you for that.
I want to just say go away.
Leave me alone forever.
That is what would be best to say.
To both of you.
But that would hurt part of me so deeply...
Cause so many problems.
I don't understand why living is so hard.
Why is it so difficult to figure things out.
Find happiness.
...
This world is so fucked up.

I don't understand

Who am I?
Do I really just want to help people,
or do I use that as an excuse to keep them around,
lately I've been thinking about... Carrot more
I miss the relationship we had,
how it felt to be that loved,
to be able to trust someone that much,
to be held every night when I came to bed,
or sat in that bus seat...
just thinking about it makes my chest ache and my throat constrict

Blood stained walls

I kicked a cup in the apartment today,
after a screaming match with alicia,
I've never come so close to hitting someone in my life,
in that way at least,
so instead i hit myself,
i punched the walls,
and left bloody smears all over that spot,
after kicking a cup into the wall,
i left a chunk of wall missing,
hopefully no one notices,
I cleaned up the blood,
but now i'm bleeding through my bandages,
i don't even know anymore,
who is this person I'm becoming,
I don't recognize myself anymore.

A new chapter begins

So much has happened lately.
So much decieving,
lying,
cheating,
crying,
cutting,
suicide threats,
screaming,
just so much drama,
and bullshit,
and i'm done,
I may have been wrong for parts,
but that doesn't excuse how she's acted,
and i'm taking control,
I moved out,
got away,
am talking to people again,
am so much happier,
and life is so so much better,
however at the moment i'm distracted :P
so i'm going to continue talking to "pretty girl"
as we've been calling her tonight,
and smoke a cig :)