Revelations

Wow,
what else can i say,
this is,
so much of what i've always wanted,
she's sweet
reassuring,
loving,
beautiful,
cares just as much as i do,
things are always a surprise with me,
i want to see her again,
feel her arms around me,
her lips on my skin,
i cried when we said our goodbyes,
before even,
we both hide,
when we feel the same things,
we are so odd,
we will both dance around a subject until the other cracks,
asks about it only to find out we were thinking the same thing,
for the first time i found someone who is willing to do as much as i am,
i was thinking about moving down there,
to be with her,
after the season,
and when i approached the subject,
she said why would you and you roomate move down here when it would be so much easier for me to move up there,
i froze,
was utterly shocked,
never has someone wanted to do this for me.
for us heh,
she told me to think about it,
and i did,
this is what i want,
and i ask her,
she says this is what she wants,
she says it is,
how did i find this person,
how did i get this lucky,
we are shooting for mid december,
i hope she is able to,
there are complications as there always are,
but we've worked through everything so far.
i'm scared,
terrified,
but it's good,
it's healthy to be scared for me,
it shows that i really do care,
i really am afraid to get hurt,
but when i brought up being afraid that she would change her mind,
especially if more time than that passes,
and she said something that surprised me as always,
"have faith in me"
i have more faith in her than she knows.

I've done good

This feels absolutley insane,
I told Jenni to leave me alone,
added threats to make sure she wouldn't come back,
and she listened so far,
I haven't heard from her and I love it,
I'm trying to do the same with Alicia,
I took 10 steps back with her,
but i'm slowly gaining back the ground I lost,
I never text her first,
and it works extremely well because she rarely texts,
and when she does its about 3 and she's done,
I found someone'
someone who treats me better than anyone else ever has,
forgives me when I fuck up,
compromises when we reach disagreements...
it's scary,
but it' good,
i think for once i found someone who will be good for me...

i'm the worst

i'm scum

Girl

Something happened for the first time ever today,
I was in one of my moods,
from everything that happened,
and I told my girl that maybe I should stop talking,
she asked why not quite knowing me that well yet,
I told her about my moods,
and that I was afraid that I was going to be mean to her,
she simply said,
"well then I wont take it like that :) I want to keep talking to you"
it lightened my entire mood,
and after that I wasn't even short with her,
I think I finally found someone who's really good for me...

The love i lost

I hate it,
she may have seen it as a childish obsession,
but for me it really was love,
that feeling she's having right now,
willing to wait for someone forever,
yeah that was me,
now she knows how i felt,
still feel,
the letters still hurt,
so do the poems,
and the songs,
i still can't listen to a lot of songs,
the little glass ball,
it slipped out of my hands today,
and got a dangerous crack,
something leaked out,
but i've contained it again,
i think,
i hope.

Wow ._.

Wow that was a big fuck you from karma,
finally decided to eat something,
the only thing that sounded good,
bowl of cereal,
made a big one,
guess what,
took a bite and it tasted weird,
thought it might be the spoon,
or stale cereal,
nope,
spoiled milk,
my stomach is gurgling now.
(all this happened right as a song about binging and purging came on)

Not Safe...

I'm sore,
very sore,
from a softball game,
I don't even feel like I did much,
but my whole body is sore...
I feel like i'm out of shape,
this is dangerous...
food is trying to come back up again...
i feel like i look fat again...
i'm wearing medium leggings...
i don't want to tell anyone,
It will make the problem too real...
I think i'm going to go do abs then take a shower and stretch...
I don't want to backslide.